27e Jan 1864
Maidstone, Jan 27th 1864
Dearest SebastianI miss you.
What else is there to say right now? My heart yearns for your company beyond words, and my longing for you knows no boundaries. Life has been so strange lately and I don’t know who to talk to anymore. I need you here.
I got married yesterday. To my best friend.
In the end I got my happily ever after, as I never dared to hope for, just like you and I dreamed of up there on that rooftop, under the moon and stars, on the night when two souls met and an everlasting friendship was bound. I miss you more than words can say. Yesterday ought to have been the happiest day of my life, as I was given something much more than I could ever deserve, yet the shadows of what has passed here lately looms over my head and leaves me heavy at heart.
And so here is my confession, and I pray you will not judge me too harshly on the terrible deeds I have done, for I am already the grimmest of judges there is, myself, and torture mine own soul enough as it is. A few days ago I hit a man. I am ashamed to write the words, for I am ashamed of having done so. It does not become me and I it is not who I am, yet still I did it. I was called in, for the second time this winter, to be questioned about some violent disappearance of a woman. As if I could ever hurt someone in cold blood and kidnap them! The mere thought is absurd and I must confess I do not care for their accusations. I lost my head, both times, I’m afraid, and this second time I abused him so badly the poor man needed medical attention. There is something in Inspector Fallchester that makes my temper rise and my blood boil, and I cannot say why he agitates me so, yet somehow he does. ‘Tis the same as with my father and with Bishop Chester (a name I do not write without shivering). These three prosperous men all possesses the ability to make me turn in to a monster, with no more than a single word or a look. Is it because of childhood issues with pa, or because I resent the air of superiority these grown men seem to have? I could not say. All I know is that they somehow make my soul turn black for a moment, and I lose control of myself, and I hate this. I hate what I become and I am overcome with shame as soon as my blood calms down again.
Thank heavens my dear sweet Miah keeps me calm. One touch from him and I transform from a wolf into a kitten, and one word from his lips are enough to persuade me to do anything. My dear Sebastian, if you could only see how lucky I am to have found a man like him. I have never seen such passion, such calm, such beauty nor such love, and I am certain I shall not ever see the likes of him anywhere in the world. Wherever you are right now, if you could see me here I am sure you would approve and be delighted for me, at least for this part, even though my life in whole is such a mess at this very moment.
I have done such terrible things Sebastian, and I sit here in solitude burdened by the knowledge of what a monster I have become and I grieve. On my first day as wife to the most wonderful man that has ever lived I sit here on my own crying over what a hideous creature this poor innocent angel has wedded. Part of me already wants to run away, to save my beloved from myself, for I dread what I might do to him. I think I ought to have gone to be at your side dear friend, for I bring nothing to this world but pain and sorrow and I do not wish to harm anyone anymore, least of all my sweet husband - my day and my night, my light in the darkness. Yet something prevents me from coming to you, as I would wish, and forces me to stay alive, forces me to stay with my beloved. And so here is my second confession dear friend; I am with child. It is such a joy and such a grief that I do not know what to feel anymore.
I already love her more than anything in this world, and would do anything to keep her safe and make her happy, yet fear has sunken its ugly claws into my heart and I pray to whatever gods there are that my mother was not right when she said I would not be able to take care of this child. What am I to do? When I have to live for her sake, but cannot be near her for fear that I might harm her. Perhaps I shall not even need to make a choice, for someone else might make it for me. I am accused by both Inspector Fallchester and Bishop Chester of such horrible things (of which I am innocent to most, I swear to you!) that I fear my freedom might be taken from me any day, and thus in time so will my daughter be. It breaks my heart to think of parting with her and I lose my breath whenever the thought crosses my mind so I push it all away. Yet somehow I cannot help but thinking that maybe it is for the best. With Jeremiah as my husband the child would be legally and unquestionably his, and he would be granted the care of her should I end up in jail. It is a small comfort which I cling to desperately. His family is the loveliest there is and my daughter will have a good life with them, with the most amazing father a girl could ever wish for. And it is for the best that she will never know her mother, or my family- for within the Grays there are to much darkness and sorrows. I broke of with them, told them I would never see them again, for the sake of the child.
But here is my third and last confession; I was not being completely honest when claiming it was only for the sake of my daughter that I left them, for the truth is I needed to get away from them myself too. My family is, much as I love them, a terrible influence on me and they seem to bring out my inner beast more and more every time I see them nowadays. Perhaps the strains of the events this winter have altered me too much, perhaps it is the pregnancy as people would have me think, or maybe I am simply too hurt by my family to suffer their company any more. I am in no way claiming that I am the sole victim of what has happened, for much of it has been my fault, yet still their words and actions have cut me so deep lately that I am now a wounded soul.
I regained relation with my father again, only to shortly thereafter hear him say I am no longer his daughter, and though I displayed anger towards him I must confess all I really felt was pain and hurt, and this led me to do things I never ought to have done. My simple wish was to hurt him as he had hurt me, but instead my actions caused chaos in the entire family and I have never heard such cruel words from my mother’s mouth as those she uttered that day, and I have yet still to heal the cuts she decorated my heart with. But no matter what happened then - what is passed is passed. What matters now is that I am turning into something I never wished anyone to have to suffer, and something must be done about it. If I escape prison I fear I shall have to run away on my own accord somewhere, to die alone, far from everyone I love and do not wish to hurt.
Would you take me with you then into the sky, if I ran? Would you smile and welcome me with open arms into your new world of peace where no beast will ever more possess me? Will you grant me the grace to watch my child from above and see her grow into a happy little angel, with only her lovely father’s influence and none of mine? Would you set me free and save the ones I love?
I need you here to tell me that all will be well in the end, somehow.
I need you here to talk to.
I need you.
I miss you.
I shall see you soon.
~ Your friend, for eternity, Meirwen.
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